Week 2.

So its almost the end of the games and there has been patchy broadcast reception from my completely legal satellite hook up from Romania. So here is a wrap of the latest and not so greatest from Vancouver since I last dropped by.....

Australia cleans up the freestyle medal pool.

Where's Grant Hacket and Giaan Rooney when you need them?Luckily, these two freestylers of a SUMMER nature (read: no relevance to winter sports whatsoever) were miraculously in Vancouver. Thanks to lucrative contracts, nine had no better use for them then to send them here to justify the expense. 100/1 Bradbury doesn't interview the swimmers at London, any takers!?!

Women's Snowboard Halfpipe.

Anyway, the Aussies had a good time of it at Cypress Mountain. Starting with the unfeasibly happy at all times Torah Bright taking a goldie home for her two sweet runs in the halfpipe. She knocked over two stupidly cocky septic tanks along the way. The Americans talked up how much they were the ones to beat and called others to step up to the plate well before the competition started. Torah's coach, her brother Ben, said see you ringside in classic Aussie style. And the result? Well, careful what you wish for ladies! Torah didn't even have to bring out her secret weapon, the double cork, so dominant was her second run in the final. The others never caught her and the Canadians and Aussies present collectively had a laugh at the yanks.

Women's Freestyle Aerials.

Lydia Lassila delivered on her pre games potential today claiming gold after a hard fought battle equally with the Chinese and the frankly rubbish judging panel. Unfortunately for the Chinese though Lassila nailed both her jumps and forced the Chinese teams hand and they failed under pressure for Australia to claim its second gold in the event in 3 games. It was redemption as well as a cherry on the top for the diminutive Lassila. She excruciatingly blew out her knee in Turin 4 years back and had to fight through all sorts of hurdles to fight back this year to take out the world cup overall and now the Olympic gold. Special mention must go to the tough as teak Jacqui Cooper. In her 5th Olympics and at 37 years old she was still throwing herself off into the white abyss of knee reco's and concussions before retiring after another Olympic final. Bravo Jacqui, Played hard, done well!!!!

So......the two gold and DBS's dour faced silver now make Vancouver Australia's most successful winter games ever, not difficult when you consider we only started winning medals in 1998. But still its well awesome as it means the pom's and kiwi's can't touch us in any sporting argument. Collectively they have colder climates and better access to real mountains, but alas, still cannot deliver. Plebs!!!

Best of the rest......

Men's 10,000m long track.

The man of the moment last week, the darling of Der Nederlanden (I love saying that!) the enigmatic Sven Kramer, now has sweet and sour memories of the Olympics thanks to the Koreans, and a great reason to service his success and failure in Amsterdam's red light "service stations"

Young Kramer became funnier to laugh at than mens figure skating outfits when the man of speed managed to completely muff his race half way through his 10,000m while 3 seconds ahead of his Korean rival, and on Olympic record pace no less. Gold was in the bag and he managed to bin it by failing in one of the most rudimentary aspects of long track, you must change lanes on the back straight each lap. Kramer threw a massive tanty at the end of the race when he was informed by his coach what had happened. Sven? Mate, you only win gold when you've played hard and done good, which you clearly didn't. So pick up your bucket and spade and go away for another 4 years please.

Men's Ice Hockey.

Canada played the USA in the most eagerly anticipated game in these Olympics potentially, if one team should not make the final that is. The Canadians fielded a star studded team for the clash with a decidedly underpowered, on paper anyway, USA for opposition. The Canadians thought they smelled blood on the ice....turns out it was theirs.

One minute and thirty seconds.......

That's all that was needed for the USA to shut the crowd out of the contest. And there they stayed. Canada trailed the entire match as the American brick wall absorbed more than twice as many shots at goal than the Americans fired, to only let three shots into their pocket. The Americans were simply too good on the night, playing tough hockey up front with precise puck control to nudge 5 goals past the cannucks in a great match, even if I was in the camp of the losing team. Not even the presence of the Great One Wayne Gretzky was enough in the end for the home team. The Canadians will now likely face Russia in a match to make the final, just what they didn't want. The Canadians may win, but bet your bollocks to a barn dance the cossacks will soften them right up in the process.

Men's Giant Slalom.

Move over Alberto Tomba........What do you get when you cross Eric the eagle with Eric the eel, a Mexican hairless dog and a German Shepherd?

Enter.....Prince Hubertus von Hohenlohe-Langenburg!!!

Yes the Playboy magazine photographer, pop star and part-time German Prince also skis for Mexico. Just happens to be their sole entrant to the games too....and the Mexican ski federation founder...and its president. He is also 51 years old and competed in his first Olympics in 1984.

Fine, except he turned up at these Olympics in his grandson's fancy dress outfit.

He forgot to stuff a Royal banana down the front..........fail.

Unfortunately Prince Hubertus missed the medals......by a long way....78th in fact... but he did jump highest at the finish line to claim a pinata fashioned into a douche bag as consolation.

As long as clowns like this are allowed to gatecrash the Olympics who cares about who won the event. The IOC proclaims we should Celebrate Humanity!...ok we will.

Figure skating.

Ok look!

Something probably happened ok? That probably meant the world was going to like probably crumble from the probable disaster of a probable failure from someone like who probably should have won their second gold medal ok?

Er right....but guess what? It was a Russian who failed.

The Russians have no money to do anything anymore.....

So?

Well with that all in mind...the rest of the world could not give less of a toss than they otherwise would've if:

a) it was the women skating...

b) the skaters involved were a Canadian and an American...

c) the controversy involved an iron bar and a 3rd party, and finally....

d) it wasn't 20 odd years since the cold war ended.

You lost Plushenko....... you straight-haired-mullet-laden sook! Sell your silver medal, build a bridge out of people with the profits.... and get over it.

Dishonourable mentions......

Eddie McGuire:

- "he works on a building site you know"....on air, moments after flamboyant neither here-nor-there American figure skater Jonny Weir completed his program.

Mick Molloy:

-"they don't leave much in the locker room these boys I tell you!".....while cueing in to his short segment on the male figure skating the day after.

Eddie McGuire:

- "they don't leave much in the closet either!".....One day after Weir's program, this was McGuire's retort to an equally quizzical Mick Molloy's above comment.

Prince Hubertus von Hohenlohe-Langenburg:

-"I'm a Renaissance Prince in the snows of Canada, so please don't look at my time - just look at my styyyyle!'......Oh for f@$k's sake...do we have to?

That's all for now.

Peace out,

Wazza Frompetersham.